If this post actually makes it into your Reader or email inbox, it will be a miracle. Because right now, the words just ain’t working.
I haven’t posted in nearly a week. The blogging experts in WordPress reckon you shouldn’t say things like that but, hey, it’s my dinner party so I’ll do what I want. Even if I am holding it in the WordPress dining room, I’ve paid my booking fee so I figure I have some liberties.
Why aren’t they working?
One of my myriad trades is as a Casual Relief Teacher at a school for children with high intellectual and physical disabilities. It is demanding work physically, mentally and emotionally. In addition, I don’t have a background in Special Education so I am flying virtually blind every time I step into a classroom. I basically run my brain like a supercomputer all day when it’s really just a small netbook.
It’s exhausting.
We’re into the busy time of year when it comes to teacher absences so I’ve had a lot of work lately. This past week, I worked every day. As much as I would have liked to head home at the end of each school day to a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down, I am also a mother of three boys so my own life comes into play for the rest of the day/evening/into the night.
And let’s face it, I’m not running on a lot of resources at present as it is. I spend a lot of energy trying to keep Grieving Me shut in a room at the back of my emotional house. “I don’t have time,” I tell her. “We’ll talk later.” She doesn’t listen. She likes to wander out at inconvenient moments and make me teary.
I was hit in the face by a thrown book on Monday. It happens and it didn’t really worry me. At least, it didn’t until someone asked me, with a caring look, “Are you okay?” And there were the damn tears, just below the surface, ready to jump in and make the situation embarrassing.
Words. I was talking about words.
They’re just not working properly.
I am, in this very instant, fighting the impulse to hit the Trash button on this whole post. The words seem wrong. Like a pile of hard rubbish left in a mess on the side of the road.
So I sit here, staring at the screen, trying to get my brain in gear while my mind rolls backwards down the hill.
I will make myself hit Publish if only to wave a feeble hand and say “Still here.”
Master of Something I'm Yet To Discover 
Words seem to be working fine to me. Another quality post beautifully encapsulating the tensions and complexities of an ‘ordinary’ day/week. Hope you get a decent rest.
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The 15-year-old had planned to invite friends over tonight but fortunately postponed it to next weekend. It’s given me a chance to chill a bit this afternoon and I’m already feeling more in control of my faculties.
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And thank you for such beautiful words. ❤
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My words haven’t worked for a long time! Still waiting impatiently.
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Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I think if it went on too long, I’d be tempted to beat them into submission. Hoping it comes good for you soon.
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My thoughts go out to you, as I too worked as a casual relief teacher before finding permanency in special schools. I ended up loving the work, but the beginning was tough, and exhausting. I, too, had kids at home, so understand that it’s hard yakka, (Did you know that Yakka is the Aboriginal word for grass tree? I didn’t till I looked it up!) Hang in there, it’ll be fun towards Christmas!! 🙂 Great to read your post!
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Thank you so, so much for this comment. It helps immensely to have support from someone who understands completely what this week would have been like. (And I didn’t know about the origin of Yakka – I love a tidbit of knowledge!)
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I believe that this is what blogging is all about, H … It’s about being true, and forthright, and honest: never about writing for the sake of it, but about writing what’s HAPPENING. Without and within. And you do that awful good ! 😀
See what Ba says ? – she says it’s great to read your post: and so it bloody is.
Keep talking to us; but only when you feel like it.
X !
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Thank you, M-R, for always being so understanding and encouraging. Can’t imagine how I’d keep going in this gig without you. 🙂
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Nope, can’t see one problem with the words here! As a matter of fact, I find them vital, fluent, and totally absorbing. Life does have a tendency to push forward accepting only the very best you have to offer, doesn’t it? The appearances of Grieving You only serve to remind you that while life is moving on full steam ahead and you’re hanging onto the caboose rail for dear life, she’s busy in there making the needed adjustments to set yourself up to move forward in a new mindset where you’re just a little more on your own than before. Yep, I think we can see you’re still in there and right on track, like it or not. Well done and thanks so much for sharing!
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Oh, thank you for that push of encouragement. And I do love your train analogy. Hanging onto the caboose rail – that’s just what it’s like!
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My advice is not to be hard on yourself. I am sure anyone reading can understand that there are times when we just feel blank. I have developed a habit of when I am feeling ‘fertile’ in the story telling, to do a couple of posts and keep one or two in drafts. It seems to take my self inflicted pressure off. Then I seem less ‘blank’. Obviously just a little mind game that works for me. 🙂
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Oh Sue, how eminently sensible of you. I so need sensible people like yourself in my life. Of course, if they stick around, Sensible People have a tendency to become Exasperated People.
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It’s not too often I get called sensible so I take it as a compliment. 🙂 I was thinking as well that for me anyway, as my followers have grown, and they seem somewhat entertained there is a pressure to deliver. So more validation for you my friend. 🙂
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Hello back at ya! Hey, take a break if you need to…we all do at some point. There are weeks when everything is going fine and I still can’t come up with words for a post. No worries. I know you’ll be back. 🙂
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Thanks, M-J. I find it hard, though, not to feel that maybe people will start to wonder if I’m okay if I suddenly disappear for too long. I don’t like to worry people. Perhaps I could hang out a shingle and shoot off a quick post with “Be Right Back”. 🙂
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I know exactly what you mean about words not working … about thoughts, ideas, feelings swirling around in your head wanting an exit, but the words just don’t come together. You actually expressed that frustration – and numbness – very well.
You’re on auto-pilot right now … emotionally you can’t look at anything too closely yet.
Until then, cry when you have to …simply because it will help make you feel better. Hugs.
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Joanne, that is exactly what it was like. There was no shortage of ideas in my head, it was just when I came to try and write, it all looked like complete rubbish to me.
Thank you.
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I’m glad yo wrote and I’m glad that you hit the publish button. I’m particularly glad you wrote *these* words “trying to get my brain in gear while my mind rolls backwards down the hill.” They are remarkable – poetic… perfect. Hugs to you.
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Thanks, Maggie.
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Hugs from me too. Yes, we do like to know you’re OK, but most of us also know what it’s like when the emotional well runs dry. So do what you need to do. We – and the words – will still be around whenever.
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You’re in danger of being hugged to death! That’s what happens in the blogging world. It was my instinctive reaction too 🙂 And I was hoping it wouldn’t induce tears.
Some of us have less demanding lives. It doesn’t really matter. It’s whatever you get out of it.
WordPress just informed me that I’ve been blogging for 3 years today. Where did that go? Have a celebratory hug from me. 🙂
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Thanks, Jo. Hugs, even of the virtual variety, are always welcome.
Wow, three years! Congratulations! 🙂
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OK, speaking of “Brain Malfunction”, I am double-checking that I am, in fact, on the right page before commenting. Oh honey, I wish I could give you a big hug, too. I will share with you that I made an ass of myself at a business meeting this past week when we had to assign a number to the various categories of our life: health, family, personal, and my chin started wobbling as I tried to get through it. When you’re under a lot of stress, as I am now taking care of my disabled daughter, emotions are right there under the surface and it takes very little to make them go out of control.
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I find – as I think you may too – that I can cope and cope with significant things and then it will be something minor that tips me over the edge. And that then bewilders people because they can’t see what’s behind it and only that it shouldn’t be that bad. For you, it’s so constant, I don’t know how you manage. Hugs to you too.
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That is exactly it!!! You’ve described it quite perfectly. The emotional reaction seems, to the onlooker, completely over the top. I admire your courage to write about this and I hope it helps you get over this hump. It helped me, I want you to know.
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