She runs alone
with no partner, friend, coach or team
to while away the hours
as the kilometres plod by
Time in her head
her own company she keeps
She sings to herself
to keep the rhythm in her feet
and silently screams at the voices
that tell her to stop
that she can’t do it
that she shouldn’t be there
She revisits past troubles
and reviews ones yet to come
She rewrites past conversations
and rehearses ones that have to come
It has always been thus
and she has met the challenges
she has set for herself
and overcome them
Alone
And she has not minded
the time alone
She is alone
but not lonely
Until today
Today the loneliness strikes hard
Even the usual fleeting connections
with strangers on the track
a smile, a wave, a breathless ‘Hello’
are rare on this cold and blustery winter day
as sensible people stay indoors
curled up on the couch
watching their footy team play
Perhaps, in these days of reduced social interaction
this introvert has had too much of a good thing
like an overly restrictive diet
As coffee dates and drinks and dinners out
have all but disappeared
perhaps loneliness has put a foot in the door
The loneliness in her life
finds its way onto the track
As the kilometres of bitumen
pass endlessly by
under her pounding feet
she questions this life choice
this pursuit of isolation
And she knows
Because loneliness is hard
but also all too easy
She questions her value as a friend
to all but a tiny few
Reaching out is easy when one feels
one’s value to the other
She knows she is appreciated
for her willingness to help
and her acts of generosity
She knows she is respected
for her tenacity in the face of challenge
and her passion for justice
But she longs to be loved
for her sense of humour
and her addiction to American late night talk shows
for her innate childish silliness
and her ridiculous dance moves
for her love of cosplay
and musicals and themed birthday parties
She wishes her annoying traits
that keep her from friendship
could be softened and understood
couched in an understanding
of her shyness and social awkwardness
her need for order
and her belief that life should be fair and just
As she reaches the end
the thoughts ease for now
and she knows
tomorrow she will lace these shoes again
and run
alone again
Always alone
but not always lonely
Well nice post and very different halfway through when you changed the tone.
—
I liked hearing more about introverted info because you showed the very real need we all have for human connection- and There
Are myths about introverts and high extroverts.
However – and i do not want this to sound wrong -‘but the whole
Post reminds me as to why I don’t like running -‘yawn -‘yawn yawn – glad I found yoga to fill my exercise need and while i do recall thinking a lot on my jogging runs – there was something about this post that made me want to tell the runner here to start getting some awesome podcasts and educational stuff to soak up – it could bring so much richness and really add zest to the soul – rather than so much idle musings that seem almost the faucet or downness – hard to say from a post – but as I finished reading I felt as if the runner here needs a hobbie ((a real ones that brings flow and engagement)) and needs to tap into things that engage the soul and essence – because some of the bland might not find the remedy in only company –
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Thanks for your comment. Lots of good things in there.
1. I’m not much of a fan of running myself. lol I mostly like that it’s a quick way to stay fit and burn calories so I can eat chocolate. I’ve also become addicted to shiny finisher’s medals. 🙂
2. I should be using the time more productively but to be honest, I can’t find headphones that are comfortable to wear when I’m running. So I tend to go without.
3. I do actually have other hobbies. I sing, write songs, do crochet, draw, write and sew. I also teach special ed which I love. Hey, it’s winter and I’m not coping well with being cold. Downward trending thoughts are inevitable in a two-and-a-half hour run in the elements.
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Oh I did not realize this was autobiographical!!
Please forgive my directness if it was rude – and your kindly comment means even more now!
Ahhhh
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Again – so sorry for any rudeness – and the start of winter indeed has so much to toss our way – and don’t forget how crucial vitamin d can be to mood – as well as lots of good b complex -‘and have you ever heard of
“Facial hypothesis feedback” by laird? Check it out….
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No, no, no need to apologise. I appreciated your comment very much. I am a chronic over-thinker and it’s good for me to have a down to earth response to my thoughts.
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Oh thanks very much and nice words
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Heather, you have multiple talents and multiple commitments. I’m glad running meets the “alone-time”, “thinking-time” needs for you, even if I do worry it – the running – might sometimes be over intense. Yes, the weather’s a shocker. Personally, I’ve barely stepped outdoors – that blast’d heath! – and I’m depressed as all hell. Have a hot chocolate and crumpets. Or maple-bacon. Let me know when it’s cappuccino time again xxx
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I’m not coping at all well with this weather. I feel cold all the time. I sat in the spa for at least half an hour after the run and still felt cold. It affects my motivation which then loads on stress (fear of failure). I really need to stick to the half marathons. Therein lies the joyful part of running. 🙂
Let me finish this current project and in a couple of weeks we’ll do that cappuccino. 🙂
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I just went to Pasquini’s in Point Lonsdale – snug and warm inside, but a young tradie type waiting on his coffee was shaking with cold and hugging his torso. I could almost see “DON’T MAKE ME GO OUT THERE AGAIN!” writ across his forehead 😄
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I felt as though I was running with you, except that I’d be walking, I’ve never been very much of a runner.
A very heartfelt post and one I could relate to in parts. Thanks for sharing yourself so honestly. Take care x 🙂
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Thanks, Miriam. I find it hard to walk anywhere now because it takes so long!
Maybe it’s the winter weather but I’ve carried some heavy thoughts on the last few runs. Thanks for understanding.
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I really can relate and I don’t think the grey weather helps at all. Hope you have a good week. Go eat some chocolate, that might help (sorry, I’m a bad influence!) 😬 Hugs
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This is as close to running as I’ll likely ever get, but I’m glad you brought us along. I’m a little winded.
I sometimes have similar thoughts when I go for a bike ride and pass a group of riders. Then I hear one of them barking orders, of yelling about the pace. Then I stop to take a picture and realize that wouldn’t be permitted. And then I am fine again.
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Good point. I’m probably not one for a competitive team but sometimes I think just a friend to talk to would be nice.
It was a 24km run in the cold and wind. I went to the local pool afterwards and sat in the spa for half an hour.
Sometimes I wonder if shiny medals are really worth it. But then I remember I can eat a lot of chocolate and I am fine again. 😉
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Chocolate is good motivation.
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I well remember the endless ‘thinking’ while running Heather. I will say I wore one ear phone for music and switched them back and forth for comfort. I hope the benefits of running outweigh the loneliness. Xo
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I’ve tried three different lots of ear phones and just can’t seem to find ones that sit comfortably. I’ll keep trying because I think prior’s idea of podcasts is a good one.
Whenever I really get over it all, I eat a chocolate bar and remember I can get away with it. 🙂
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Sigh… Ah, MOSY you spend too much time listening to your inner self. Just look at that wonderful countryside you are running in? I’d be a rotten companion, because a) I can’t run and b) I’d be stopping all the time to take photos but I can help you eat the chocolate!! 😀 😀
BTW you have just reminded me of ‘The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner’ that we read in school. At the time I did rather like cross country running except that it was always done in winter and we weren’t allowed track suits…
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Ha. Yes, perhaps solo long distance running is not the most ideal pursuit for an over-thinker. 😉
Those photos are from previous (happier) runs. As M-R has pointed out, I should have taken one of the conditions yesterday for perspective.
I actually hated the cross-country at school. (And we didn’t have to run in a Northern winter.) Just another of those ironic anomalies in my life. 😃
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Wow MOSY, your poetry is amazing and far more reflective than my little rhyming couplets. I’m sorry, but I can’t offer to be your running partner because I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to run and talk at the same time. How about you run and I talk. That would work for me! Also, never forget your blogging friends. We are always eager for your next post. Perhaps you could compose them in your head while you run and think of us all reading them.
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Gosh, thank you for such a generous comment, Carol. It’s funny you mention blogging because in my thoughts yesterday was the realisation that I’ve also isolated myself from this blogging community to some extent. Your lovely comment has made me realise exactly what I’m missing and that there is a place I can be myself. Thank you.
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I hope we get to hear more of your running exploits because I’m full of admiration for your determination.
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Thanks, Carol. There’s a couple in the pipeline. 🙂
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It’s difficult to choose between a passion and the rest of life, especially when it comes to the flesh and blood we call family and friends. I admire your passion with running, because I’ve long desired that kind of dedication to my own physical fitness. Other than the ocassional biking, I’ve been choosing the dinners and friends lately…
We have to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally, so I think you should do what makes you happy. If it’s choosing a run over pie and coffee with a friend, then so be it.
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I’m definitely at that “this is the last time I’m doing a marathon” stage when I realise just how much time it takes out of my life. Of course, I’ve said that before so we’ll see but right now I really want some of my life back. But I’ll still be running. Too many positives to abandon it completely. 🙂
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The lovely photos are misleading, H darlin: they should show the weather as it was yesterday – rain, rain and more rain, accompanied by gusts of horrible cold bloody WIND. Therein lie the origins of these thoughts – yesterday …
Remember what I said to you a while ago: “I do love you, H – you are so very loveable …”
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That’s true. A photo from yesterday would have provided some perspective. It’s perhaps a sign of my mental state that it didn’t occur to me to take one.
Thanks, M-R. ❤
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You goofball. Of course we love you for your silliness – too – even if you baulk at GoT xxx
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“Goofball” is high on my list of desired monikers. Thanks, Elly. 😃
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What’s Go T ?
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Game of Thrones
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Ah. Then you see I’m another non-involved poisson … 😀
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Wow, apart from the running (i’m built for comfort, not speed), you could have been talking about me. You have captured so achingly well some very deep and intense emotions.
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Oh Su, thank you so much. I actually nearly deleted this post after I published it because I suddenly thought it was too personal and nobody would relate to it. So your comment is so incredibly welcome. Thank you. And hugs to you on your own inner journey in this complicated world.
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Could it be you’re both mothers of sons ? – maybe boys bring out the intensity …?
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I don’t eat chocolate and as a result never run. Instead I walk and eat copious quantities of pumpkin soup which I bake first with leeks, onions etc. I walk mainly with my wife Helvi and Jack Russell, ‘Milo.’ Loneliness or feeling lonely is not the same as being alone as you pointed out. We all need time to be alone and one can achieve that even when surrounded by people. In fact, it is a good thing when one can be happy with own company. It is something I am still working on. As a society we seem to be stuck too much on ‘privacy’. All those blinds, curtains and fences, why?
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I think the reason I felt compelled to write about my experience is because, despite spending a lot of time alone, I don’t often feel lonely so yesterday was a bit of a shock really.
My blinds, curtains and fences come in the form of shyness and social awkwardness. I’ve always found it difficult to initiate social interactions and tend to wait for others to invite me.
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I often do the same when I’m walking, Heather, though for me the camera intrudes on my thoughts. (just occurred to me you must have paused to take the shots- or are they from the archives? 🙂 ) Know that you are loved, hon. We all have to find a way.
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Yes, these photos are from previous sunnier runs. I really should have taken one on the day just to show what I was dealing with – grey, cold, windy and wet. Quite different to the ones in the archive! (I used these because they were ones I had of empty trails.)
Thanks, Jo. As I think I’ve said in the past, I often find that the process of sharing what is bothering me actually helps me get past it and move on. And even if I feel some embarrassment for being so open, I do feel better afterwards.
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I don’t think that’s a bad idea. I just felt like giving you a hug xx
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And it’s appreciated. ❤
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I am so glad you did not delete this post as you mentioned in your comment to Su. Your words so beautifully describe feelings that so many carry. Although I don’t run, I often cycle on my own. I enjoy the alone time, often the only chance I get to allow my brain to think in a quiet space, but I can certainly appreciate if one was feeling lonely, this might be the best kind of scenario. I would like to echo the thoughts of so many here, know that you are loved & cared about Heather, even on those days that you feel unlovable. Be exactly who you are & keep tilting your face towards the sunshine my friend. XXX
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It was a close thing… but I’m glad I kept it up too.
I’ve run alone a lot (well 99.9% of the time really) and it’s never really bothered me. I enjoy the time to think and just be with myself but for whatever many reasons, this one was a difficult one. I’m sure I’ll get my balance back.
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This was so eloquent – and relatable. No, you aren’t alone in your feelings. There are many of us out there … so much of what I do is done alone – like right now. I’m sitting alone in a b&b in Quebec having just finished day 1 of a 4-day cycling trip. The company of a good friend would be nice, but I’d rather do it alone than sit at home not taking the adventure because no one would come with me.
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“…I’d rather do it alone than sit at home not taking the adventure…” Gosh, that’s so true. And woot woot to you for taking this one on alone!
I think maybe I reached a saturation point. I don’t mind doing it alone but maybe just not all the time.
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… and that’s where I’m at too. I’m just tired of doing things by myself ALL. THE. TIME.
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If only we lived closer…..
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{sigh}. yes – I’ve thought of that before too.
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