An Ode to PMS
“You’re a shitty human”
Say the voices in my head
They often make me wonder
If I’d be better dead
Men don’t understand
And neither do the boys
They sigh and roll their eyes
And then return to all their toys
They’ll never understand
The monthly torment that I feel
The anger and depression
How nothing feels for real
“Wow, you really screwed that up!”
“You’ll never have real friends.”
“They all find you annoying.”
“You’ll never make amends.”
They mutter and they scream at me
From when I wake til bed
So often I just want some peace
From voices in my head
Supplements and therapy
Have helped just now and then
But mostly I just stagger on
In search of something Zen
I wonder how long will this last?
How long until the change?
How long ’til I stop feeling like
They all think I am strange?
But then I can’t help wondering
If what I’ll really see
Is not that it was PMS
But really it’s just me
Reading this, on the heels of the previous, utterly EXHAUSTING (that’s me, feeling amazed at your inventory!) and exhaustive list of your accomplishments in the last decade … and especially considering the title of this post… I sense a great deal of … “conflict” – to put it mildly.
I have nothing to offer other than let you know that I bear witness to your struggles, and that I wish you comfort.
β€
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Thanks, Maggie. π That’s the thing about these voices. They can be so LOUD sometimes that they drown out the rational voices trying to point out the good things. It’s totally irrational and ridiculous but there you have it. It’s real, it’s a part of my life, of who I am, so I blog it. (Which is the idea, right? :D)
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WTF ?
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[shrugs]
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Is this … ahh … real ?
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Only every month for about 10 days.
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O … K … Public forum better than any alternative then. Hmm.
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Meh. I was just feeling so over it. Sometimes it helps to get it out of my head.
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I think we all have an internal saboteur trying to fool us into thinking we’re crap. That voice is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Doing things you love, like running, is a way to change the channel xxx
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Yes. I am at least I think getting better at identifying that saboteur and reminding myself that this is temporary and I am not really crap.
I think a run followed by a trip to the movies might be the order of the day tomorrow. π
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Excellent! Which movie? Also we need another coffee catchup in January and I need more toilet paper (Who Gives A Crap – ironic LOL)
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LOL. Yes, I have had a reminder in my phone “Toilet paper for Elly” for, like, forever. (Well, a couple of months anyway.)
The Post or The Greatest Showman depending on mood at the time.
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Will PM u tomorrow xxx
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I agree with Elly. That voice is not your friend. Kill it. Kill it now. Throw it out the airlock of the nearest star ship or send it over a very steep cliff. Whatever works. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you will come out on the brighter end of things. When you feel like crap, go for a run, knit another beard, hold onto your great nephew, do something that makes you happy.
1,000 bonus points for writing a poem and using it to express the shitty days. I expect a second edition of this when you’re back to normal.
Oh wait…I forget that you (and I) are not normal. Never mind. Just write another damn poem because you’re good at it.
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You know what? I feel a bit like I’m in one of those stories where naming the demon takes away its power. I feel about 100 times better than I did a couple of hours ago. It’s like I said to that voice “Actually, you’re the shitty one and I’m going to tell everybody about you. So there!”
I guess because WRITING is something that makes me happy. π
I’m glad you corrected yourself. I was about to protest the ‘normal’ tag. I fly my freak flag happily.
Request noted.
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Glad to hear you are feeling better. Writing can be so cathartic!
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Woefully unprepared to comment here…that said, making fun of the voices is always better than listening to them (unless they’re in a good mood).
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I think you did an admirable job on the commenting. π
After a rather challenging day with the voices, I was lying on the bed and one very clearly said those words in the title. I sat up and thought, right, that’s enough, you’re getting outed. And I wrote the poem and posted it. And it worked. I feel better.
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You go!
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The older I get the more I’m able to shut up those negative voices. Drown them out with a mantra (how about, meeeeeeeeeeeee). You are a wonderful me. Love your me. Meditation helps tremendously, as well as running (or walking – I’m a big walker) and giving (to others) and yoga and, of course, as you’ve done here. Writing.
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I’ve managed to shove off some of the voices this year but it’s still something of a work-in-progress. Often they like to be sneaky and nab me when I’m in the car or trying to sleep when it’s harder to get away. I am at least getting better at identifying them as the falsehood-purveyors that they are but sometimes they just get exhausting in their relentlessness.
Thank you for the excellent advice but not for the Moving Pictures song now stuck in my head….
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Yes, I find that those voices find me easiest when I’m trying to nod off to sleep, or worse, when I wake up in the middle of the night. I won’t tell you the song I mumble to myself then, because you’ll curse me for it. π
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You need girl time, a break from all that household testosterone – especially during that aforementioned 10 days. I hope you are utilising you she-shed. π Night out with the girls (happy to oblige) also proven remedy.
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School holidays. They never go awaaaaaaay! She-shed is getting utilised only in handywoman ways. Still a work in progress to get in it and set up but I’m getting closer. But methinks it may be time to install a small table and a chair on the verandah in the meantime.
My last night out with the girls was….. I don’t remember. One is probably overdue.
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The best way to deal with a bully is to expose it for what it is. Toss that bully voice out on its butt … “you ain’t got any time for that shit”.
Which is easy for me to say … I think our bully voices might be related. She’s a scary bitch, isn’t she?
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She’s scary and she’s freaking annoying. I actually thought I’d ditched her for a while there. She hasn’t come running with me for months. I guess she was just waiting for the right moment and she found a good one yesterday. Sigh.
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It appears that not only happiness can sneak up on us, but so can self-doubt
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First of all, let me acknowledge that I am sorry you are feeling so shitty about yourself. Regardless of how those thoughts get into our heads, they can be so destructive to our self worth. I think there is a little bit of shitty in all of us, the challenge is in rising above the shit pile to see more clearly all of the wonderful attributes we bring to the table.
Kind of like a toilet, flush away the crappy stuff & you are left with clean, fresh water. Acknowledge the shit & seek the clean & fresh my friend. Hugs to you!
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Lynn, the ridiculousness is that in my last post, I managed to acknowledge to myself all the things I’d achieved in the past ten years but that voice still managed to stick the boot in over one thing yesterday.
I think writing the post helped to flush her out. π
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I am glad writing helped. Keep on being you!
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Well you’ve got some great advice here but the best thing is that you seem to’ve written it away. Perhaps you should grab the pen faster next time. Meantime I’m sending another darn useless hug. But it makes ME feel better. π π And I think you’re great!
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Yes, I need to take note of that strategy. I’m sure I’ll need it again. π
Thanks, Jo. Hugs are never useless. π
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Much sympathy. I stayed on HRT for over ten years, which was brilliant. However my luck was out when I came off as I am one of the unlucky ones who go on having hot flushes for ever. Good news β the mood swings do stop. I think I am nicer now than before the menopause.
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Oh, thank you, Hilary, for telling me there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sorry you’re stuck with the hot flushes. I think I’d take that over the monthly dose of incomprehensible rage and despair, though.
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OMG Love your ode! I am a few years older than you and am happy to report that life is much better on the other side of the change. Just A LOT of flashes to get you through π
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You made me laugh! Thanks, Lisa. Glad to hear there’s relief on the way sometime. π
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There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through, and it’s so nice on the other side. In the meantime, make sure you take time for yourself to do the things you love, or just do nothing if that works for you. sending love and sympathy.
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Thanks, Carol. Funny to think that something would make you feel better about getting older but it sounds like there’s some definite pluses coming down the track. π
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Oh yes, good things are still to come for you, including discounts on entry and when you shop. I always ask for discounts now and usually get a few dollars off. Mr ET has a DVA pension card and twice on our Kevtoberfest trip he got a pensioner discount and they applied it to my entry without even asking! I’m not that old, but I didn’t mind being included. As for your current state of affairs, please remember to put yourself first sometimes and feel able to say no if you don’t want to do something. And make sure you have a sympathetic, understanding and proactive GP – so important.
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Such a down to earth poem – you wonder if it’s your mind, you wonder if it’s you, and maybe realise your mind and thoughts are you. Like you, I stagger around going out my days as best as I can. Nothing really works for me – unless you count popping pills which send my head into happy-la-la land momentarily. Like you, I’ll just soldier on.
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Part of me wondered if it was really appropriate to write this post but then I figured surely, surely there are other women out there who go or have gone through the same thing. Thanks for the confirmation and support. I’m hearing you too and wishing you gentler days.
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I sure hope your symptoms decrease with age! I just get depressed for a few days – but not that frequently. In comparison, my PMS symptoms are sure minor.
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I’m going to feel diddled if I get to a certain age and these symptoms haven’t taken a hike.
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Although I have never battled these particular voices I did spend a lot of years internally screaming at others. I think this catharsis is a good and I too seemed to get healthier the more I shared. I appreciate your honesty and know that always I remain a cheering madwoman for you. Tell the voices to shut the crap up because you are a warrior. They donβt stand a chance.
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Thanks, Sue. I’ve had these voices for many, many years. At their worst they’ve driven me close to suicidal (I don’t use that word lightly). Some counselling 12 years ago gave me some strategies to identify when it’s the hormones talking and that helped. Might need a refresher course. Or write more, even if it’s just for myself. It definitely helped.
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Iβm so sorry you have struggled so much and to such a degree Heather. I have spent a lot of time in counselling and say like physical health you donβt just go for serious illness you go for preventative check ups. Write more, talk it out with a professional, exercise, meditate, eat well and most of all be gentle on yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. There are many of us here ready with an ear and a shoulder. Xoxo
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Some moments, or DAYS are like that. π¦ I’ll be happy when I’m a full-fledged crone. I’ll have new problems then, but I won’t miss the old. I realize when I’m telling the young’uns their hormones are to blame, mine are too. No use believing the hormones, just give them what they want and wait for it to pass.
*sigh*
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At least living in a house full of males means there’s only one of us dealing with the raging hormones. (Well, yes, boys get them too but I think they’re less complicated to deal with.) But sometimes a bit of understanding and empathy wouldn’t go astray.
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There is comfort in ice cream & commiseration π
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I keep telling myself it’ll get better as I get older.
Once all this hormone nonsense stops.
But the fact that I barely produce the requisite hormones to qualify as female to begin with suggests
that this is the me I’m always going to be.
And that scares the sh*t out of me.
(*Butchered, old-broad haiku.)
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You are great in telling stories that are relatable to me π I love browsing your pages and chuckle once in a while! Thank you for your frankness and positivity
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right on sister
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Sucks, don’t it?
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