You’re A Shitty Human

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An Ode to PMS

“You’re a shitty human”

Say the voices in my head

They often make me wonder

If I’d be better dead

 

Men don’t understand

And neither do the boys

They sigh and roll their eyes

And then return to all their toys

 

They’ll never understand

The monthly torment that I feel

The anger and depression

How nothing feels for real

 

“Wow, you really screwed that up!”

“You’ll never have real friends.”

“They all find you annoying.”

“You’ll never make amends.”

 

They mutter and they scream at me

From when I wake til bed

So often I just want some peace

From voices in my head

 

Supplements and therapy

Have helped just now and then

But mostly I just stagger on

In search of something Zen

 

I wonder how long will this last?

How long until the change?

How long ’til I stop feeling like

They all think I am strange?

 

But then I can’t help wondering

If what I’ll really see

Is not that it was PMS

But really it’s just me

 

pms-quote-23-picture-quote-1

 

54 thoughts on “You’re A Shitty Human”

  1. Reading this, on the heels of the previous, utterly EXHAUSTING (that’s me, feeling amazed at your inventory!) and exhaustive list of your accomplishments in the last decade … and especially considering the title of this post… I sense a great deal of … “conflict” – to put it mildly.

    I have nothing to offer other than let you know that I bear witness to your struggles, and that I wish you comfort.

    ❤

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    • Thanks, Maggie. 🙂 That’s the thing about these voices. They can be so LOUD sometimes that they drown out the rational voices trying to point out the good things. It’s totally irrational and ridiculous but there you have it. It’s real, it’s a part of my life, of who I am, so I blog it. (Which is the idea, right? :D)

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  4. I agree with Elly. That voice is not your friend. Kill it. Kill it now. Throw it out the airlock of the nearest star ship or send it over a very steep cliff. Whatever works. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you will come out on the brighter end of things. When you feel like crap, go for a run, knit another beard, hold onto your great nephew, do something that makes you happy.

    1,000 bonus points for writing a poem and using it to express the shitty days. I expect a second edition of this when you’re back to normal.

    Oh wait…I forget that you (and I) are not normal. Never mind. Just write another damn poem because you’re good at it.

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    • You know what? I feel a bit like I’m in one of those stories where naming the demon takes away its power. I feel about 100 times better than I did a couple of hours ago. It’s like I said to that voice “Actually, you’re the shitty one and I’m going to tell everybody about you. So there!”
      I guess because WRITING is something that makes me happy. 🙂
      I’m glad you corrected yourself. I was about to protest the ‘normal’ tag. I fly my freak flag happily.
      Request noted.

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  6. The older I get the more I’m able to shut up those negative voices. Drown them out with a mantra (how about, meeeeeeeeeeeee). You are a wonderful me. Love your me. Meditation helps tremendously, as well as running (or walking – I’m a big walker) and giving (to others) and yoga and, of course, as you’ve done here. Writing.

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    • I’ve managed to shove off some of the voices this year but it’s still something of a work-in-progress. Often they like to be sneaky and nab me when I’m in the car or trying to sleep when it’s harder to get away. I am at least getting better at identifying them as the falsehood-purveyors that they are but sometimes they just get exhausting in their relentlessness.
      Thank you for the excellent advice but not for the Moving Pictures song now stuck in my head….

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      • Yes, I find that those voices find me easiest when I’m trying to nod off to sleep, or worse, when I wake up in the middle of the night. I won’t tell you the song I mumble to myself then, because you’ll curse me for it. 🙂

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  7. You need girl time, a break from all that household testosterone – especially during that aforementioned 10 days. I hope you are utilising you she-shed. 😇 Night out with the girls (happy to oblige) also proven remedy.

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    • School holidays. They never go awaaaaaaay! She-shed is getting utilised only in handywoman ways. Still a work in progress to get in it and set up but I’m getting closer. But methinks it may be time to install a small table and a chair on the verandah in the meantime.
      My last night out with the girls was….. I don’t remember. One is probably overdue.

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  8. The best way to deal with a bully is to expose it for what it is. Toss that bully voice out on its butt … “you ain’t got any time for that shit”.

    Which is easy for me to say … I think our bully voices might be related. She’s a scary bitch, isn’t she?

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  9. First of all, let me acknowledge that I am sorry you are feeling so shitty about yourself. Regardless of how those thoughts get into our heads, they can be so destructive to our self worth. I think there is a little bit of shitty in all of us, the challenge is in rising above the shit pile to see more clearly all of the wonderful attributes we bring to the table.

    Kind of like a toilet, flush away the crappy stuff & you are left with clean, fresh water. Acknowledge the shit & seek the clean & fresh my friend. Hugs to you!

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  10. Well you’ve got some great advice here but the best thing is that you seem to’ve written it away. Perhaps you should grab the pen faster next time. Meantime I’m sending another darn useless hug. But it makes ME feel better. 🙂 🙂 And I think you’re great!

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  11. Much sympathy. I stayed on HRT for over ten years, which was brilliant. However my luck was out when I came off as I am one of the unlucky ones who go on having hot flushes for ever. Good news – the mood swings do stop. I think I am nicer now than before the menopause.

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  13. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it through, and it’s so nice on the other side. In the meantime, make sure you take time for yourself to do the things you love, or just do nothing if that works for you. sending love and sympathy.

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      • Oh yes, good things are still to come for you, including discounts on entry and when you shop. I always ask for discounts now and usually get a few dollars off. Mr ET has a DVA pension card and twice on our Kevtoberfest trip he got a pensioner discount and they applied it to my entry without even asking! I’m not that old, but I didn’t mind being included. As for your current state of affairs, please remember to put yourself first sometimes and feel able to say no if you don’t want to do something. And make sure you have a sympathetic, understanding and proactive GP – so important.

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  14. Such a down to earth poem – you wonder if it’s your mind, you wonder if it’s you, and maybe realise your mind and thoughts are you. Like you, I stagger around going out my days as best as I can. Nothing really works for me – unless you count popping pills which send my head into happy-la-la land momentarily. Like you, I’ll just soldier on.

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    • Part of me wondered if it was really appropriate to write this post but then I figured surely, surely there are other women out there who go or have gone through the same thing. Thanks for the confirmation and support. I’m hearing you too and wishing you gentler days.

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  16. Although I have never battled these particular voices I did spend a lot of years internally screaming at others. I think this catharsis is a good and I too seemed to get healthier the more I shared. I appreciate your honesty and know that always I remain a cheering madwoman for you. Tell the voices to shut the crap up because you are a warrior. They don’t stand a chance.

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    • Thanks, Sue. I’ve had these voices for many, many years. At their worst they’ve driven me close to suicidal (I don’t use that word lightly). Some counselling 12 years ago gave me some strategies to identify when it’s the hormones talking and that helped. Might need a refresher course. Or write more, even if it’s just for myself. It definitely helped.

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      • I’m so sorry you have struggled so much and to such a degree Heather. I have spent a lot of time in counselling and say like physical health you don’t just go for serious illness you go for preventative check ups. Write more, talk it out with a professional, exercise, meditate, eat well and most of all be gentle on yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. There are many of us here ready with an ear and a shoulder. Xoxo

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  17. Some moments, or DAYS are like that. 😦 I’ll be happy when I’m a full-fledged crone. I’ll have new problems then, but I won’t miss the old. I realize when I’m telling the young’uns their hormones are to blame, mine are too. No use believing the hormones, just give them what they want and wait for it to pass.
    *sigh*

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  18. I keep telling myself it’ll get better as I get older.
    Once all this hormone nonsense stops.
    But the fact that I barely produce the requisite hormones to qualify as female to begin with suggests
    that this is the me I’m always going to be.
    And that scares the sh*t out of me.
    (*Butchered, old-broad haiku.)

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  19. You are great in telling stories that are relatable to me 🙂 I love browsing your pages and chuckle once in a while! Thank you for your frankness and positivity

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