The Crumb Wars: A Special Report

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It is now more than eighteen months since our correspondent, Heath Dempster, was evacuated from the Central Republic of Kitchen in the wake of sustained attacks from wardrobe terrorists and continued unrest in the rebel Northern States of Boys Rooms. In this special report, Dempster returns to the region to discover how the people of CRK are faring. He spoke to our presenter Nigel Havestock yesterday.

Heath, it’s so wonderful to speak to you in the CRK again.

Yes, thank you, Nigel. It’s wonderful to be back here.

So, how are you finding it?

It’s very interesting, Nigel. In some ways, things haven’t changed but in others they have changed dramatically – both good and bad.

What’s been happening since you were last there?

Well, you would recall that my earliest reports were in regard to battles between the rebels and government forces in the Bench areas of the country.

Yes, the beginning of the Crumb Wars.

Precisely. There have been some interesting developments. Approximately six months ago, the Leader of the CRK, Mother, initiated a new Sourdough industry in a bid to improve the wellbeing of her citizens.

That sounds wonderful.

One would think so. Unfortunately, what it has done is exacerbate the conditions in the Bench areas and guerrilla attacks of toast crumbs have increased dramatically.

And what has been the response from the government?

That is what is interesting, Nigel. It seems that in order to support the fledgling Sourdough industry, the government has been tolerating these attacks, entering the area only when the rebels have moved on and initiating clean up before the rebels return. This seems to be maintaining some semblance of order while minimising the chance of increased hostilities. And, of course, the Sourdough industry is thriving in response.

What about other areas in the region, Heath? How are they doing?

Unfortunately, the Northern States of Boys Rooms have descended into complete anarchy and chaos. There was some attempt early on to enforce civic order but following extensive carpet bombing by leaders in the Northern States, this has been abandoned. It is unknown just how the citizens are surviving in such conditions but they have been sighted outside the States searching for food.

Heath, last time you were in the CRK there was some tension between the Leader and the Deputy Leader, is that correct?

That’s right, Nigel. Mother had sacked the Deputy Leader, Father, as the Secretary of Cleanliness on suspicion of siding with the rebels.

How is that relationship now?

Nigel, that is the most fascinating of the good news/bad news discoveries on my visit here. You may recall reading of the Leader’s humanitarian visit outside the CRK late last year?

Ah yes, in the wake of the recent earthquakes?

Yes. While she was absent from the CRK, the Deputy Leader was in charge and by all reports did a reasonable job of maintaining services and some civic order. He was particularly active in ensuring the continuation of hygiene and sanitation services, somewhat unusually as he has often spurned offers of ministry portfolios in these areas.

Within days of Mother’s return to the CRK, there was a shocking assassination attempt by a wardrobe terrorist cell, the Clothing Moths, that had been ravaging the country. Fortunately, the assassination attempt failed. However, the Leader was severely injured and unable to resume duties for some months. Father continued in the role, ensuring transport, food provision and sanitation services were maintained throughout the country.

What has been most fascinating, Nigel, is that while Mother has now resumed the leadership of the country, Father has retained his role in coordinating hygiene and sanitation services.

That is fascinating, Heath. Why do you think that is?

I’m not sure, Nigel, but I suspect Mother was not keen to resume control of those ministry areas and Father felt no option but to remain. It will be interesting to see if it continues in the longer term but it does seem to have brought some stability to the region now that the Leader and Deputy Leader appear to be working together for the betterment of their citizens.

Well, Heath, I wish you well on the rest of your visit to the CRK and do keep us posted.

Of course. It’s been a pleasure to talk to you, Nigel.

That was Heath Dempster, our correspondent, reporting from the Central Republic of Kitchen. Heath travelled to the CRK as a special media representative with the United Household Nations.

Want more information? Check out our Crumb Wars archives:

The Crumb Wars: Battle of the Bench

The Crumb Wars 2: Expansion Into The Northern States

The Crumb Wars 3: Abandonment of Civic Order

The Crumb Wars 4: Rice Wars

The Crumb Wars 5: Terror in the Skies

 

 

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35 thoughts on “The Crumb Wars: A Special Report”

  2. Very nice read for a Monday night. Crumb Wars. Sorry to hear that Mother got hurt in the attempted assassination but it just goes to show how dangerous this war can be. Good to hear that Father is on board to help out. Sometimes to win the battle one has to delegate – you really can’t win something like that alone 😀 Hope you are well this winter, Heather 🙂

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    • Thanks, Mabel. I very much appreciated the public holiday today to have a chance to get back on the blogging wagon. 🙂 Two more weeks of term and I’ll have the holidays to maybe do something about the chaos in those Northern States. 😉 Hope you’re keeping warm in this sudden winter.

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  3. I’m glad that the Deputy Leader has stepped up to maintain his position in hygiene and sanitation. Those are two very important areas and aren’t really hard to manage. As for the rebels, well, good luck with maintaining law and order. Since I’ve never had children, I have no idea how to do that other than what my Mother Leader taught me…”Clean up your room or no dessert for you for a week!” (I was easy to manage given the inherited sugar addiction).

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  4. Excellent read! I remember a similar war in my locale. The Western Provinces of Girl’s Rooms were eventually vacated and the citizens moved on to form their own civilizations. In, what I call ‘What Goes Around Comes Around’, a new war has erupted in two of these new civilizations! Unsurprising, really.

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    • 😀 I like the sound of the troublemakers going off to form their own nations. Is there a way to encourage that? Really, if all they’ve experienced is anarchy, how can we expect them to establish an orderly democracy with effectively administered portfolios? It could be dire.

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  6. LOVE the Crumb Wars! Can we have an installment every month? Read every single word!
    So glad to hear Deputy Leader has retained responsibility. Nothing like a critical injury to shake up the Republic.

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  7. //there was a shocking assassination attempt by a wardrobe terrorist cell, the Clothing Moths,//
    oh, how you make me laugh! Been a while since you wrote about the Crumb Wars – don’t leave it so long in the future. There HAS to be a book out of this… or maybe even a film 😀

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  9. Now that the Deputy Leader has taken on the responsibility of hygiene and sanitation, don’t ever let him resign from this important post, even if he tries.

    Why is is that homemade bread makes so many more crumbs than bought bread? When the urge to bake bread comes upon Mr ET I am forever cleaning up the chunky crumbs, and I don’t even eat the bread!

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  10. This made my day! “The Northern States of Boys Rooms” is so well written. I know that area well, and I try to steer clear of that region. I still have no idea how the natives survive or even manage to breathe. I have threatened to call in a Hazmat crew to deal with the fallout.

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  11. Ah yes….a return mention of the GMI…how well I remember (and I’m sure you do too!). Happy for the update and most interesting to learn that Father has maintained his new position…..excellent news….there may be hope after all!

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  12. Pingback: So funny! | Twelve Biscuits

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