I Am Not The Person You Are Looking For

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Human beings are such complex and contradictory creatures. We can profess to want one thing and yet yearn for another.

We claim to be excited by the new but cling to the familiar. We seek the unexpected but baulk at its unpredictability.

And I’m not just talking about the latest smartphone or the changing face of our suburbs. The same seems to hold true in our relationships with each other.

What happens when the joking, life-of-the-party decides he has had enough of being entertaining and becomes introspective and serious?

What happens when the joiner of committees, participant in working bees and attendee of groups and classes decides to withdraw from all commitments and focus on herself?

What happens when the one who has always been available to provide a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on decides to distance himself to focus on his own life troubles?

What happens?

The world doesn’t cope.

The friends of the Joker, used to sitting back and being entertained, find it too hard to have a serious conversation and stop inviting him to social events.

The members of committees and working bees, the leaders of groups and teachers of classes, instead of inspiring new people to participate, bemoan the fact that things no longer get done and people no longer come now the Joiner is not involved.

The friends of the Carer resent his unavailability to them and withdraw their friendship just when he needs it most.

What does the one who has changed do now?

A. He reverts back to his previous persona, all the while resenting the role he must play to comply with expectations.

or

B. She persists in her new persona and suffers the barbs and the loneliness this attracts.

Both difficult choices.

or….

When others come looking for the person he or she used to be, there’s always the good old Jedi mind trick.

“I am not the person you are looking for.”

 

42 thoughts on “I Am Not The Person You Are Looking For”

  1. Spot on observation about life. People change and move on all the time, it’s funny how some of us don’t want to accept that. Maybe we take comfort in routine and familiar faces…then again, we learn the most when things are changing around us. Love the video. Mind games certainly going on there…looks like someone is being brainwashed 😀

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    • I’d planned to use the real clip from the movie but then I found the LEGO version and just HAD to use that!

      You’d think we’d be prepared for change given how overloaded the self-improvement shelves are in the bookshops. We’re being told to change and evolve all the time but when others do it, we tend to struggle with that. IMHO of course.

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      • Anything with LEGO in it is bound to most certainly be entertaining! I rarely trust any of those self-improvement books out there…it seems anyone who speaks positive words can be convincing self-help therapist or advisor. Funny how when we change, we get criticised for it a lot as well.

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  2. Mmm… very profound. You having an identity crisis? I have to agree with the statement //We claim to be excited by the new but cling to the familiar.// I want to move to the coast, but my stomach twists itself in knots at the thought of ACTUALLY moving there! I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and I am re-located instantly with all my goods and chattels around me. Take care Helen 🙂

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    • Moi? An identity crisis? You’ve read my blog before, right?? 😀

      Not really about that this time but more about some observations re human behaviour around me lately.

      Thanks Jude. (And, [cough], I always hate to point out things like this but [cough] it’s actually H for Heather not Helen. But don’t stress. I get that ALL THE TIME. 🙂 )

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      • I replied to this, but for some reason it ended up as a new comment 😦

        I’m really not doing very well on this Surface machine at the moment, the keyboard and mouse pad seem to have a mind of their own!

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    • I didn’t know you were in a state of longing of that nature. Maybe we’re all being pulled to and fro … But pssst … Jude ? – Heather. Call her H and you can’t go wrong. [grin]

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  4. Sad but true…..in someone’s moment of finally being able to break out of the familiar and make a change, it has the opposite effect on someone else and repels them. Fragile things we humans are….and even more fragile are the tenuous bonds we forge with others. But change must happen and somehow we always do seem to end up just where we should be surrounded by the people that we can “move” with. It’s just the transitions that are tough sometimes! 🙂

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    • You’ve said it so much better than I, Torrie. You are so absolutely on the money. It is hard in those transition times but we do find the ‘new’ people we need to be around to be the new us. Thank you for your comment – so spot on and insightful. 🙂

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  7. What an interesting read. We are such creatures of habit in so many regards. I think we come to rely on certain people in our lives to fill a persona for us. The person we turn to for support, the person we turn to for humour, the person we turn to fo comfort. When for whatever reason, that person makes some changes, we all need to readjust.

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  8. Identity is what is placed on us for the convenience of others…the roles we play in their lives. And it is multi-layered and complex, from the photo on your driver’s license to whose mother you are. It gets added-to, but hardly ever changes. We are ourselves are even more complex than that, and changing, even as the labels and roles stay static. The secret we each know is that none of the labels really capture who one is, deep inside…..like T.S. Eliot’s cat who is the only one who knows his real and ineffable name. So as we grow and change occurs, as it must, there are growing pains. Hang in there, Heather…

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  9. Double OOPS 😀 😀

    (I think I told you before that I would forget – I deliberated for eons and STILL got it wrong! Doh! You have my permission to slap me next time I do this 😉

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  10. I know I am evolving and changing daily and have done things in my past that led to utter disbelief on the part of people who thought they knew “me.” But nobody ever really does know the real “me”, especially when the “me” in question is a moving target. What’s important is to surround ourselves with people who encourage rather than discourage that movement.
    Once upon a time, I was scared of dogs. Really scared of them and all of my friends knew it. All of the people I worked with in real estate knew “oh boy, there’s a dog in here, better warn Barbara”, that sort of thing. And through a set of circumstances I ended up working in animal rescue. I remember a friend sort of mocking me at lunch one day about it and another saying “Hey! That’s what it means to be alive. We change.”

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    • I don’t think I even know who the real “me” is. It certainly isn’t “an ever-fixed mark”. But really, if you’re a moving target, it’s harder for people to hit you…. 😀
      And your dog story shows the two attitudes that can prevail in these circumstances. Disbelief and Belief in who we are changing into. We need the believing people in our lives.

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  13. Gosh folks don’t like it when other folks turn out to be mortal and have feet of clay. Some of us try to remember everyone is human, but others really get riled up when someone steps out of the frame they had made for the other in their own minds….. We all need recharge times, we all can’t give all the time and is challenging for the takers to understand that the giver has to receive as well. It doesn’t have to be an obvious fair exchange of give and take, say between two friends, but as long as the giving and taking find balance in the overall scheme of things there is balance. For example we all need someone to listen to us or even let us not talk as we see the need, even if most see our assumed role is as listener….. Also some of us are so used to seeing ourselves through other eyes we forget to look for own needs to be met

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  14. Was glad to read in the comments this was not about you. I made a significant shift in ‘who I was’ about 12 years ago. I lost some ‘friends’ but I gained a lot of happiness. Having the confidence to make the change is the sticky part.

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    • Oh yes. I still vividly remember moving into the parenting stage a few years before my friends from university and they had no idea. One sent us an invitation to her wedding when I was pregnant with the Middle Son which was going to be about a week or so after he was due. The wedding was over an hour’s drive from home. I rang her to tell her we would love to be there but that we would in all probability have to bring a baby with us. Her reply was “Oh, we haven’t decided if we’re going to have kids at the wedding or not.” I had to explain gently but firmly that either the baby came or we didn’t. She let us bring him. (As it turned out he arrived 10 days early so was a couple of weeks old when we went.) One of these days I’ll remind her of that. Should be a hoot now she is a mother herself! 🙂

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  16. Well, phew ! – this one drew a lot of deep responses from us, eh, H ? Definitely worth posting – though I know perfectly well that your finger would’ve trembled on the ‘Post Comment’ button.
    Love ya.

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Talk to me. I love a discussion. I might learn new stuff.